Tales of a Modern Day Nomad

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Don’t Be an Asshole

Although I must admit I’m a bit of an asshole at times when traveling, I’m currently the only authorized traveling asshole. Here are some useful tips that will help you stay out of ‘my lane’:

Boarding the plane. When you’re waiting to board a flight, the first announcement you hear is something like, “We’d like all of the people requiring special assistance to board at this time.” There is a reason for this: If you need special assistance, you will hold up the entire loading process and delay the departure time if you wait and try to board the plane while all of the other non-special needs people are loading. Once the plane arrives at the destination, I think another announcement should be made: If you required special assistance and extra time to board the flight, keep your ass firmly planted in your seat until everyone is off the flight.” I never understand why the special-needs people feel they should stand in the aisle, take 15 minutes to exit the plane when they’re seated in 6F, then hold up the magnitude of people as they putter along the jetway at 1/2mph. PEOPLE HAVE CONNECTING FLIGHTS TO MAKE! ASS DOWN!

Perfume. Wearing perfume/cologne on a plane is as appropriate as wearing it at the gym. You are about to enter into a confined space with lots and lots of strangers, many of whom may suffer from allergies, asthma, or simply hate the stench you sprayed on your body right before you got on the flight. Sure, people in your life may have told you it smells nice, but maybe they suffer from the same personality deficiency you suffer from. I think there should be ‘Perfume Free Zone’ sign right next to the ‘No Smoking’ sign. If you’re a perfume plane applicator, please stop.

Luggage bins. Has this ever happened to you on a full flight: You make your way to your assigned seat, see all of the seats in your row are currently empty, open the overhead compartment, and see the entire space is already filled? It’s because some asshole riding towards the rear of the plane was too lazy to lug his gypsy camp of luggage back to the area of his assigned seat. This is one of the ultimate asshole moves. I have begun to address this issue in grand form. I look at the people in my general area, and say, “Hey guys! Does this luggage belong to anyone?” When I confirm that none of it belongs to anyone in the area, I remove it and set it in the aisle, and ring the ‘Attendant Call’ button. To the assholes who do this: Do you realize that the person seated below your gypsy camp of luggage is going to have to store his/her goods in the back where yours were supposed to be? And will have to wait until the entire plane disembarks before retrieving it? I wish peeing in public was legal so I could get away with pissing on the luggage after I set it in the aisle.

Speaking of piss. This rule also applies to all public toilets. Guys. Seriously. This is very, very simple: Don’t piss on the seat! If you’re 50 and still can’t control the direction of your spray, sit and squat. If bad knees preclude you from sitting, give a courtesy wipe after. Like all humans, I have no desire to touch a toilet seat. This problem is easily solved: Use a tip of your shoe and raise the seat so you’re not pissing all over it. Don’t be a pissing asshole.

Too much luggage. I always get a chuckle when I hear the pre-boarding announcement, “All passengers are allowed one carry on and one personal item.” Most of the time this translates into: “Bring as much shit as you can possibly hang off one piece of luggage.” I mostly blame this on the U.S. flagship airlines charging for checked luggage. If you’re a traveler, you are allotted one space above and one under the seat in front of you. Thanks in advance.

Personal space. From the inner sides of the armrests in your assigned seat, draw an imaginary line straight forward; this is your rented area for the duration of the flight. No part of your body should ever trespass into the areas outside of your box. If you’re fat, this more than likely because of your poor diet and failure to exercise; don’t make the people seated around you pay for your poor feeding habits. If you are so large that you’re unable to put down the armrest, it’s time to travel less and pay more for that Business Class upgrade. The people riding beside you probably paid about the same price for their rented space, and it’s theirs; please don’t encroach. Oh – and to the tall people: I’m tall too. My knees don’t invade your space because I understand the limits of my rented space; follow the example.

Talkers. Flying? Bored? Need someone to talk to? Someone to tell your sad tale to? Need sympathy? Are you tired of only receiving feedback such as ‘Oh’…’I see’…’Uh-huh’? Tired of looking into the eyes of the person seated next to you and seeing an expression in the person eyes which reads, ‘if I had a gun, I would suck-start it just to shut that hole in your head’? Introducing the new Pocket-sized Dummy!

He'll listen to you.

This dummy will be there for all of your conversational needs! You can now take a breath during your conversations! You no longer need be afraid of the other person interrupting you and telling you you’re insane! You will still continue to control every conversation! Sure, the mouth will be glued shut on your new travel companion, but 9 out of 10 of the psychiatrists who have flown next to you agree: A silent conversation with yourself is one of the best types youpersonally¬†can have! If you’re a talker and buy one of these, enjoy your flight! I know I will!

Sitting in the seat of another. How many of you have arrived at your assigned seat during embarkation only to find it occupied by another person? Normally the other person says something like – ‘Do you mind sitting in mine? or – the flight isn’t full, can you find another seat?’ I fell for this once and spent the remainder of the boarding process being bumped from one seat to another as the assignees arrived and I had to continually move. Don’t be an asshole – sit in your assigned seat until the door is closed.

Exit Rows. Everyone loves extra leg room; it’s a fact. Imagine this: The plane suddenly goes down, and there’s chaos. People are screaming. Some idiot put on his life vest and immediately inflated it inside the craft. Babies are crying. Some people totally lose the plot and begin flailing at those around them while trying to fight their way to the exit. The emergency exit door weighs 45 pounds. If you’re elderly or needed assistance lifting your carry-on into the overhead compartment, should you really be sitting in that row? The flight attendants always asks, “In the event of an emergency, are you willing to assist other passengers?” ‘Willing’ and ‘Able’ have two very different meanings; look them up before you ask for an exit row seat.

To the flight attendants. It’s a service with customers. We are your customers. We the customers would like a smile to accompany that bitchy tone in your voice.

Terrorists. Take a look at my photo on this blog. If you see my face on your flight, please choose a different plane to blow up. I have to be someplace so I can do something stupid.

Thanks to everyone in advance for not being an asshole.

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